The good, the bad, and the tongue pain

The high-functioning part of a man’s brain basically shuts down the minute your pants come off. It’s not that we don’t think; our thoughts just become, well, simple. Naked woman. Must touch.

But that changes when we go down on you because, suddenly, we have a goal. We need a strategy. And we need to silence the me, me, me part of our brains long enough to make you feel totally happy with your decision to get into bed with us. In that moment, here’s what your guy is likely to be thinking.

1. Is That It?
A man’s penis is easy to find. It’s all up in your face like a new Beyoncé song. But your clitoris? It’s more like an original-press Beatles album on vinyl. The early stuff, no less. You can spend hours in a record shop, flipping through the wrong piles. Then suddenly...there it is! Hallelujah!

2. Whoa. Great Angle.
It’s underboob city down here. You look fantastic. We’d be happy to snap some pictures if you’d like. 

3. Oh, No. It’s Stubble.
Those little one-sixteenth-inch hairs? They hurt. Don’t get us wrong—we’re still happy to be down here. But if you think about it before our next hook-up, a shave would be nice. Or maybe a wax? If that’s not your style, just grow it out a little so your pubes don’t feel like sandpaper.

4. I Sure Hope This Pays Off in a Blowjob.
One giveth and one receiveth, right? Right?!

5. Wait...Was That an Orgasm?
Again with the mystery! When guys get off, you know it. First there’s the battle cry, and then there’s the stain on the sheets. But with women—most women, anyway—a man can never be totally positive. Plus, we hear you’re prone to faking it. We hope you’re being sincere this time.

6. So, Um, Am I Done Here?
If you didn’t get off, you’re going to let us know when we’re done, right? We don’t want to fall short on our oral duties, but as soon as you’re ready to move on, we are, too. Just let us know, okay?

7. Or Maybe We Should Turn This Party Into a 69.
Actually, it’s okay if you want to keep us down here for a while. But the longer we’re buried between your legs, the more antsy we get for some action of our own. So if you’re not ready to move on, let’s just split the workload. That’s teamwork.

8. Oh, No. Tongue Cramp.
Stall! Bring in the hand! Flex the jaw! No no, we’re fine. Thanks for asking. Now back to work.

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The Pogo Stick

The Position: Think of it as standing missionary. You’re holding up all her weight, bending backward, and—to facilitate the old in-and-out—you’re flexing your knees and bouncing her up and down on your johnson.

Why it’s Risky: Anything acrobatic like this is a lot more likely to lead to back pain or strains for the guy, says Herbenick. Not to mention you could topple if your footing is unsure. The other obvious ouch: The woman’s also at risk of being dropped, Herbenick adds.

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The Cowgirl + Lean Back

The Position: You’re on your back, she’s sitting on top of you. Rather than leaning forward with her hands on your chest, she’s leaning waaaay back.

Why it’s Risky: Like an elbow or knee, your erect penis can be “hyperextended” if you put too much or too frequent downward pressure on the shaft, finds a study from the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF). Over time, this hyperextension can lead to peyronie’s disease—a buildup of plaques that causes your rod to bend while erect. That can make sex impossible, the UCSF research suggests. If you feel tugging—or even a small joint-like crack near the base of your penis, the angle of your intercourse is a little too extreme. Have her lean forward.

Also risky . . . The Reverse Cowgirl + Lean Forward, The Butter Churner, The Spider—or any pose that creates the sensation of tugging down on the base of your penis.

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The Over-Exuberant Swiss Ball Blitz

Why it’s Risky: The Swiss Ball Blitz may add some bounce to your thrusts, but beware: “Penis breaks will be more common in any sex position in which the penis comes fully out of the vagina and then goes back in,” Herbenick stresses. Because the Swiss ball creates an unusual amount of up and down inertia, too much oomph could lead to your schlong slipping out of your girl just before gravity and momentum bring her full weight crashing back down on you.

Also risky . . . Stairway to Heaven, or any pose where she’s in the driver’s seat and the sex is especially vigorous. If she’s on top, you have less control over the in-and-out motion, and so you’re more likely to slip out of her, Herbenick explains.

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The Eager Chef

The Position: You’re standing on your toes while she’s sitting on a counter in front of you. The sex is ... spontaneous.

Why it’s Risky: Most cases of penile fracture—ruptures of the blood-filled tubes in your erection—occur from very vigorous sex, explains Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., who teaches human sexuality and psychology at Harvard University. If your partner is sitting on a countertop and—in your enthusiasm—you miss your target either high or low, your unlucky penis has nowhere to go but into her pubic bone or the counter.

Also risky ... Any standing position that has you on the tips of your toes. A momentary lapse of calf strength could send your manhood crashing into an unforgiving barrier.

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Let’s get one thing straight: Injuries during sex are unusual. When they do happen, they tend to happen because of where you’re having sex—not how you’re doing it, says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., a research scientist at Indiana University and author of Great in Bed.

Because your footing or other means of support are unfamiliar, sex in unusual places—say, on your office desk or in an airplane lavatory—are a lot more likely to lead to injuries than a complicated pose, Herbenick says, citing research from the University of Maryland.

That said, there are a few positions that are more likely than others to result in injury. From strained back muscles to the dreaded “broken penis,” here are four you may want to avoid—or at the very least treat with respect.

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